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Health-Care Update
Just went for a checkup at the Proctomologist. Talk about getting the stink-eye.
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Order the Seal
“Sometimes, when I’m not really sick, I go to a guy who’s not really a doctor,” Max said. We stood shivering on the shore of the Bay of Profundity, north of Barrow, Alaska, watching Galapagos...
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LINE, PLEASE
Opening lines of famous works, with fresh second lines. Invisible Man, by Ralph Ellison I am an invisible man. Hey, quit poking me. A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens It was the best of times, it...
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The Object
• The Object is the pursued. The Object is the pursuit. The Object is 40% off. The Object ships free this week. The Object wears the same sneakers you wear. The Object sleeps while others toil and...
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Emilia Treadweather Promoted
In recognition of her hard work, dedication to the brand and results-driven attitude, Emilia Treadweather has been promoted to Director of Consonants at SawyerSpeaks, Inc. An integral part of the...
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The Creeps
My hound is 14 years old now, and no longer anticipates walks with the energy of a 5-year old kid on a trampoline. He’s more like a nettled old man from Brooklyn: “Would it kill you, once around the...
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One Final Tweet from Down Six Feet
The epitaph is the last tweet of the dying, a final thought expressed in a handful of words carved in stone so they won’t scroll right by and be missed forever. It is the tweet of retreat when life is...
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PANTS
Oh, these pants of ours, these new-for-Spring ‘11 pants. Slip them on – and watch out! Now you’re wearing pants! These are not the primordial color of the new spring-summer collection. We call it...
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Greg Hahn
Vintage clip of a very funny guy. Try shaking your head that fast without barfing. And this is what I want for Christmas.
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RSVPeter?
I received the following e-mail today. I don’t know… I could go either way on this. Before I send them all my financial data, do you think it’s an attempt at identity theft? Would somebody name a bank...
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This Day in History
DECEMBER 5, 1839 George Armstrong Custer was born on this date in Ohio. His mother anticipated a quick and painless delivery, but was soon overwhelmed by the surprise arrival of Custer’s big head,...
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Eau de Toilette
A Rochas perfume sold on Fragrancenet.com You really can’t make this stuff up. Do I detect a note of scat?
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Top 10 WikiLeaks from SawyerSpeaks
The following Top Secret Official Messages were intercepted en route to WikiLeaks Founder Julian Assange in England. They are decoded here for public viewing. 10. WikiLeak #442 Advice from U.S....
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Maria Bamford
If you haven’t seen Maria Bamford (from Duluth) perform, here’s what you’re missing. “All I have left of my parents to remember them by is this bloody paper doll.”
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HUMBEDBUG! with apologies to Mr. Dickens
Marley was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, and the chief mourner. Scrooge signed it. And...
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No Fear Here, Dear
The Associated Press found a woman in New York whose brain does not allow her to experience fear. That’s nothing – my first wife never knew guilt. I have owned cars that dreaded mobility, basketballs...
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Top 10 Signs Your Fratenschtattor May Be Going Kablooie
10. Turbo Lingenfalters sometimes plotz during ignition 9. Dual carbon filter dealies gumming up with pinkish Berry-Berry rash 8. Neighborhood Czar complaining to ringleaders about decline of quarterly...
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The Trouble with Art is it’s Too Quiet
Art museums would be busier places if people could react to what they saw without fear of being tossed out. Artists practicing other creative forms – live music, live comedy, for example – feel they’ve...
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Let’s Go Spelunking! Adventures on the Digestive Health Ward
I had a colonoscopy this week, but it got me out of meetings. What do you wear to such a procedure, I wondered when the alarm went off Wednesday morning – brown shoes? It was the first time I’d agreed...
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Trouble in Green River City
“I have a problem,” said a friend I encountered trudging through the snow of a Wisconsin parking lot last night. It’s been so cold here this winter, the whole state recently voted red just for the...
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